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I’ve not really been myself lately…

You may have noticed from my complete lack of response or engagement in absolutely everything right now.

My dad passed away at the end of August. I think honestly I’m still in shock. It was so unexpected. He was completely fine. Healthy and active man as far as we were all concerned. He spoke to me the night before. And then he was gone. It was late and He was checking in on me and Emma after a long, difficult day.

He was completely him though. Absolutely normal.

The next thing I know, my brother is calling me at 6 am, telling me I needed to wake up and listen to him and that the ambulance was there, his heart had stopped. The rest is all a patchy blur. All I know is by the time we got to the house, he was gone. I keep having flashbacks of things that happened that morning, but they’re not in the right order. None of it makes sense to me anyway.

The past few weeks have been so weird, I am emotionally wrecked most of the time. I have been trying to find my feet back into where I was though, with the business and things. Emma has been my rock and has really been supporting and encouraging me to do things, and holding me together when I haven’t been coping.

It’s taken me a while to be able to do this but I wanted to take the time to talk about it on my blog, my dad read my blog a lot and was always commenting to me about something I had written. Honestly, my dad was my biggest enthuser. He would get excited to talk to me about what I was up to and trying to achieve, he’d be giving me new ideas and encouraging me to do more in every aspect.

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. He’ll always be my dad the hero. He was there for me through everything. Supporting me, always offering guidance. He’d listen to me ramble constantly about the things going on. He was my go-to man. I would call him for anything, I admit that lol.

I am grateful for all the memories I have. I’ve had so many random ones pop into my head recently especially small ones. Things I had forgotten about for a long time.

You could always count on my dad for a laugh. He loved being a windup, I mean he had his serious moments, and the normal dad moans, but the biggest thing, that I am holding onto is how much we had a laugh. He was always up for anything to be honest. One New Year’s Eve some of the family decided to do fancy dress. I used my makeup and spent hours turning dad into a zombie. We even used pva glue and tissue to make it look like his skin was falling off.

He loved hearing about our drunken nights too. He absolutely loved the fact that Em once nearly gave herself concussion stair surfing whilst drunk. Once he had heard he would joke to her “no stair surfing tonight”. I swear he was just waiting for the next funny story to come.

Dad had this phase of ‘colourful beards’. His beard had been every colour. Green, turquoise, blue, orange, purple. It was brilliant, so brilliant that when the daily echo announced a beard competition I decided that I was going to enter him into it, and he was absolutely gobsmacked because he won, and had his picture in the paper. Just as he had decided that the beard was too much maintenance and shaved it off.

I’ve always been an over thinker. I’m definitely worse lately. Especially at night.

I’m not ashamed to admit I’m struggling right now. Especially with Christmas. If anything I’d rather not celebrate it this year. I’m definitely not feeling the usual festive excitement anyway.
I loved helping dad at Christmas, we would go Christmas shopping, me and him. Getting presents for mum, we’d spend all day chatting, and we’d always get a costa, in fact, we would always end up in costa on any daddy-daughter day. Coffee and cake, and a deep and meaningful.

Dad would come up with the most random ideas to surprise mum on Christmas. They didn’t always go to plan, but they were always brilliant, just the idea behind them. Like discreetly cutting a Malteesers box open and sliding a kindle voucher inside for mum to find when she finally got to it. Except the dog decided to get into them first 🤦🏼‍♀️ Dad was not impressed.

On Christmas Eve every year. No matter. Dad would turn to us all excited and tell us that Santa was coming. He’d say it all through the evening. And then in the morning he’d change it to he’s been and keep telling us.

Christmas is not going to be the same without our superman this year.
Being told the words that he’s with us, do not feel enough right now.

I miss my dad so much. I hope he’s still reading.

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2 Comments

  1. December 29, 2021 / 1:33 am

    I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know you but if you need someone to talk to or someone to just listen, I’m here.

    • AlexaJade
      Author
      December 30, 2021 / 3:30 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words!

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