Happy June guys! I really cant believe that we are officially 6 months in to the year! where has this year gone, and where was I when it went? I haven’t done a life update in a long time, so this month felt like the perfect time.
Ok so it has now been 4 months, and I have been off work and needing rest the whole time. I finally had surgery, a few days ago. The surgery went well, but I’m still super sore and finding my feet again. I am very lucky to have my Emma look after me, she is gonna need a holiday after this one lol.
It’s definitely been a challenge the last few days. I already suffer with polycystic ovaries and had fears that I may of had something more serious. However the surgeon was able to open me up to find that it’s my tubes causing the issues. They’ve been sorted for now so fingers crossed that the problem doesn’t come back.
Setting new goals…
I have had so much time to think whilst I have been off work. whilst being stuck doing nothing, I have also had the time to set new goals and ambitions for the future, I really want to start setting my blogging and craft goals a lot higher. Obviously my first goal for now, is getting back on my feet. getting my health sorted, and back to some kind of normality, but after that I want to get myself more outside. I want to win the fight with my weight loss battle, and start getting the camera out a-lot more then I do now!
Books are becoming a new passion!
I’ve always been a book lover but over the years stopped reading. Recently Im really into my reading again! and I have a passion for shopping for a good book! In the past month I have brought so many so I officially have a reading list and plan to review some of the books I’ve been reading here on the blog, yay.
Wedding plans underway
So it’s now been a few weeks since we paid the deposit on our wedding venue. I am so excited to be having our wedding at the Botleigh Grange Hotel. Eeeeeek. This time next year there will be meer 9 weeks to go. How exciting is that??? Time to just start planning all the little things towards the wedding. I mentioned the weight loss plan right?
I’ve started CBT.
With my health being crap, it has taken a massive toll on my mental health. So I have been referred for CBT therapy. So I’m gonna be doing a review soon on how it’s gone. I
With the fact my healths been bad, that is it, my main updates on me for now but I promise to start updating you all on what’s new more regularly.
We now live in a day and age of woman empowerment and how we should be striving to be a better person. In the past few years, I can finally say that I am so happy, I have a perfect life, with the perfect woman. I feel grateful to say that I have found my fairy tale ending. To be honest, if none of this had happened, we would never have found each other. So Im grateful for this. But life has not always been so perfect.
I remember the day it all started as if it was yesterday. My phone went off. It was early and way before my shift at work was due to start. We arranged to meet at the back of my work. This would be my first encounter with her. That morning I went into my sleeping parent’s room and said I needed to leave for work early. I was going to buy some paracetamol for a headache before work. This was my first lie told to my parents, and it wasn’t the last.
A year must of arguments and confusion had gone by before I found out the truth. I wasn’t the only girl in her life. I felt humiliated, I felt hurt. I was still so young, and very nieve, at the age of 19. It is not something you wanna hear at that point, but really a teen, still a child, whether you can legally drink or not. I felt like I was mature enough to hold my own decisions and I was so wrong. Why didn’t I walk away that day? Instead I let myself become more and more involved in a web of lies, debt and complications.
When you are in a relationship you are covered by a cloud of mist, your world is perfect and they love you no matter what, and it does not matter. But the truth of it is. It was all lies. Not just from her. The family and friends. They were all speaking constant lies for her. But why?
It took me years and years to understand where I was. I was falling deeper and deeper into a web of lies, lying to myself saying that everything was ok, and I was fine, I wasn’t. I wish I had listened to the words from my own family and friends telling me to get out. I can tell you now, when your stuck in a hole, you will not listen, because of the fear. There is so much fear behind everything. I would have saved myself some friendships and been a lot happier from walking away, but it just was not happening. But who knows. Like I said I wouldn’t be where I am today if I did. Instead, I was to busy listening to instructions from her, following whatever she said, being twisted to keep as a dirty little secret, and not understanding or valuing myself or my own worth.
I even went away to work. 2 years in a different part of the country. I admit at first this was my way of getting away, escaping. I was gonna stand on my own 2 feet finally. That didn’t work either. Little did I know, my phone would be my worst enemy for being kept, and still controlled. Instead, we ended up living together, a few years later and it only lasted 9 months. it got worse and worse. Until one day the plaster finally got ripped off, and I was finally away.
Now that time has passed, I am more than honest with myself, I made so many mistakes and told so many lies but it wasn’t my fault. I know that now. I was being controlled. A narcissist. Wow, that’s a strong word but when I looked up the definition it was all there. All the controlling behavoiurs, the minipulating, the lies told, and the money grabbing. There were so many things happening that shouldn’t have been. I tried dropping her in it so many times because I thought it would set us free. It wasn’t us that I wanted free though. It was just me.
I hope by me telling my story that it really does inspire someone else. Be different, and do not put up with the shit that another person has no right to inflict on you. You don’t deserve the abuse, to be lied to, cheated on and used for nothing more than money. Not like me.
If you didn’t already know. It’s mental health awareness week. This year’s theme is all about body image. You can read more about the Mental Health Foundation here.
What is mental health?
Mental health has always been something that is really close to my heart as I face my own struggles and challenges alongside many of my friends and family. Mental health is defined as a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being. Did you know that one in four adults in the UK are likely to have a mental health problem at some stage in their lifetime, that’s what the experts say. That’s a lot of people. So not one of us should ever feel that we are alone or no one will understand, there will always be someone that will understand how you are feeling and may be experiencing the same things.
My battle with negative body image
It is crazy to think that finally in 2019 the world is finally acknowledging that not everyone is a size zero picture perfect model. Magazines and companies are finally beginning to embrace our curves and imperfections. No longer do we have to flip through magazines to think we could never get away with their image, because it’s being broadcast more and more to embrace yourself.
But let’s face it. It hasn’t always been this way! My school years were a prime example. I grew up with twisted hips which meant I walked differently to everyone else. I needed corrective surgery to set my legs straight, but now when I look back was the surgery more a cosmetic thing? So I could be the norm.
Not just my legs, I’ve never been stick thin whether and I have always struggled to keep weight off. I get anxiety when I get dressed in the morning because I want to look perfect all the time. It’s so much pressure. Nothing ever feels just right.
It is so important that as individuals we talk to each other more than we are now. I am not gonna lie it is not always easy to open up, but it is so worth it. I often can’t bring myself to share my own negativity but one thing I do know, I am not the only one who hates her curves and wishes that I could have better skin. There’s always been so much judgement in this world. It is so easy to let negativity win and then we become depressed, lonely, and affected by the perfect image instead of embracing who we are and what we have. Anyone who tells you that they are 100% happy with their own body image, they are lying. There’s nothing wrong in trying to improve ourselves, buying new clothes and improving the way we look as long as it is you that is happy with yourself, and that you are improving for no one other than yourself.
This is me, I am not perfect, I’m not skinny, I love to hide behind my make up. But it is me, and there is only one me.
What we can do to be more body positive?
Remember that not everybody is the same
It is time to stop comparing yourself to other people. Each and every one of us has our whether insecurities but it’s time to embrace yourself and learn to be unique in a positive manner.
acknowledge yourself and any low self esteem you have
It’s not always easy and like I just said we are all different and we deal with things in different ways but this is such an important step in a journey to being body positive and learning your own self-worth.
Face your biggest critic. Yourself.
My dad has always had a famous quote to me, ‘you are your worst enemy’ and do you know what? he is right. It is natrual that you are your worst critique, so its important to learn to stop being so hard on yourself, and I know myself how hard of a challenge that really is.
Realise how beautiful you really are
Write a list of positive things that you like about yourself and whenever you are feeling low, read your list and remember why you love yourself
Practice self care
It’s so important that we look after the most important person in your life. Yourself. There is one you and you need to take care of you. whether it is being more healthy to have a little pamper evening, make sure you are doing things for you.
Set yourself reasonable targets
Don’t set yourself goals that you know you are not going to be able to stick too. If you set yourself unrealistic targets then you are allowing yourself opportunities to be negative.
I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on body image and how this affects you, how do you keep yourself positive when you dont feel so confident?
I would generally describe my personality as a goal getter, as a bubbly one, as a person who tries to carry on no matter what, I am always setting new goals and striving to be the best me I can, even when I feel down and panic. That was until the last few months, this really has not been easy. I wanted to share how being ill and having chronic pain has taken a toll on me and my mind. So this is not going to be one of my usual positive posts! because sometimes it doesn’t matter how much energy you put into a feel-good attitude it doesn’t always work as well as I would like it too.
2 months ago I thought I had a bug. that’s it, I remember phoning into work that morning feeling like I almost had a hangover without even touching a drop of drink. My stomach had started hurting and I was being sick constantly. But after a few days of constant pain and feeling rubbish, led to a trip to the hospital. It is now nearly May, and I have been off work the whole time. I feel chronically bored as well as poorly.
I have suffered from bad anxiety over the past few years but the last 2 months have been so much worse, I’m constantly worrying about myself, about my job, about what people are thinking of me, how I look, everything. It is really easy for myself to forget how to breathe and be calm. I am so good at getting myself in a tizzy, but then again it wouldn’t even be me if I wasn’t stressing over something. It feels as if being ill has caused a spiral of mental health issues getting worse, and then it leads to what did I ever do to deserve this? Hmm. Ironically the joke of a voodoo doll that may be somewhere is becoming more and less of a joke! I think I better do some research into that hey!
We are very lucky in this country to have such an amazing NHS that we don’t even pay for, but I do wish they would be able to sort me out a lot quicker! There is so much waiting involved when your undergoing investigation for something being wrong with you. The waiting is the draining part. I feel so emotionally drained. I suppose they call it a patient for a reason hey?
My energy is poor, my concentration is pretty nonexistant, and as for enthusiasm, well there is none.
There are plenty of good things in the works for the future and I know that so it is nothing to do with my life or lifestyle, it genuinely is about the constant illness and chronic pain that is making me so much worse. Anxiety is a major ware on someone, and I really do wish that others would also understand how just because someone can look OK, does not mean their mental health is.
Since I have been feeling really down with the constant illness and chronic pain lately, I thought it was about time to give some reasons to feel a bit happier, so today I am an irritated girl who is trying to be a little bit more positive this month! Admittedly it has been a really rubbish time, and it feels like our main adventures out lately are to hospitals and DR’s surgeries until we find out 100% what the heck is up with me… Anyway, I am not moaning I am being positive and since we are still at the beginning of April (pretty much anyway) I wanted to share with you guys 10 reasons why you should appreciate this fabulous month!
Fresh start month – I am not 100% sure why, but I have always thought of April as a month of fresh starts, apparently, I am not the only one. we are now 4 months clear of the Christmas season and its a few months of enjoying the sun and the happy season before we prepare for cold winter months again! The first day of spring has now been and its time for a spring clean, mentally aswell.
It’s April Showers – I’m not saying that the fact it is raining a lot is amazing but, does anyone else get the drip, drip drop little April showers song go through their head constantly this month? I do! it is stuck in my head all month every time I hear someone say ‘Oh it’s raining again, April Showers’ … I must watch Bambi. I love Bambi.
The month of yellow – I literally think that one of the first things I associate April with is the colour yellow, and I am really loving this colour right now! The month of yellow, and the month of Daffodils (see what I am saying there?).
Pastels – Ok I may have already mentioned colour just now but this bit is slightly different, I love all pastel colours and there are so many new things in pastel! which I always love pastel colours! Easter spills lots of this because pastel colours do feel very springy! 🙂
Nature is coming back out – The cold winter months will soon be behind us, and already this month we have had some beautiful sunshine filled days. I have especially noticed that on the farm the wildlife is all coming out of its hiding and the deers are back running around the fields at dusk. I absoloutely love playing spot the deer. It is not just the animals either. I LOVE blossom tree’s, and they always start blossoming this month, they make me super happy.
New financial year – When life gives you lemons, make lemondae. For some people, I’ve noticed a lot of chat how April is a big money month for them, so everything is a little bit tighter! I know that this is the same for us this month! but oh well. April is the start of the new financial year, so let’s use this as a positive? New year 😉 New me kinda thing.
The clocks went forward – YES! at the end of March, our clocks went forward! now If you love summer like me its more exciting that we are gaining light and sunset is getting later, rather then thinking you lost an hour sleep that night!
Its Chocoholic heaven – It is so hard to say no to some chocolate in April as its nearly Easter, be it a little late this year. Pretty hard to resist when you are going to slimming world! so far we’ve been pretty good! but I can not wait to get my hands on a chocolate egg!
The Suniscoming – Slowly but surely the summer period is just around the corner, and OK so we are not in summer yet! and already I have said why are people wearing shorts already? Its hardly boiling, but the sun is out, the sky is bright and peoples moods are lifting. I love this time of year when you are slowly saying goodbye woolly jumper.
Happiness – Last but not least one thing I love about April is no matter what is going on, or how rubbish and down you are feeling, April seems to bring in some happiness to the year no matter what.
What do you love about April? I would love to hear what makes you smile this month?